


Moving Forward is Different Then Moving On

by 1_spritzbi_2



Series: Life After Derry [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Angst, Bill Denbrough Loves Mike Hanlon, Bisexual Bill Denbrough, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Guilt, M/M, Mike Hanlon Loves Bill Denbrough, Not actually sure what I wrote, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Richies kind of a dick, Therapy, but he’s grieving, but somethings wrong with Bill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_spritzbi_2/pseuds/1_spritzbi_2
Summary: Bill has offered his home to Mike and Richie, desperate to not lose anymore of his friends.But after an argument Bill closes himself off hoping that no one will notice him becoming less like himself.The guilt of his friends and brothers deaths  weighs heavy as he try’s to keep the only things that’ll keep him from doing something he regrets close to him.Will his friends notice something before he becomes someone he’s not, or will he lose himself completely?(Future me here. Do not. I repeat DO NOT. read this. It is bad and over dramatic and I really don’t know what I was thinking posting this.)
Relationships: (mentioned - Relationship, (mentioned) - Relationship, (past), Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Life After Derry [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681273
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Moving Forward is Different Then Moving On

It had been a few months since Mikey and Richie had moved into Bill’s house. He could tell the others were sleeping by how quiet it was in the house and it made sense, it was 3am. Why wasn’t Bill asleep you may ask? Well he didn’t know. That was a lie he definitely knew why he was up. Everytime he closed his eyes all he could see was that fucking clown hurting him or his friends, it was like a shadow that was always around. Some days it was better, others worse. This was a bad day. He knew he should use this inability to sleep to write or at least be productive. But every thought was filled with his friends' deaths or the pain that they are going through. So instead he laid awake. That was until a loud noise interrupted his thoughts. He sat up as the sound blared around his room and his mind immediately went to It. 

The last few months had all been an illusion. 

It was going to kill him. 

Pierce him through the chest like he did Eddie. 

His breathing quickened as he searched for the noise before his eyes landed on his phone. Someone was calling him. And that someone was Richie Tozier. Why was Richie up? He thought as he grabbed his phone. I thought I was the only one awake. He slowed his breathing down to a reasonable level before answering. 

“Rich?”

“What’s up Billy boy?” Music blared from the phone as Richie spoke. Why would there be music unless-

“Richie where are you?”

“Just down in the cluuuuub partying!” He slurred. 

“Richie you know you aren’t allowed to do that!” That was a rule. No one was allowed to go to the club alone. Especially not Richie. That hadn’t been a rule at first, Bill understood his friends needed to unwind but the first time they all went together Mike had gotten so drunk that he wouldn’t stop crying and Richie had gotten into a fight and kicked out. Since then Bill has been paranoid that one of them would get hurt if they went alone so they always had to go with someone. Richie knew this. So why was he at the club alone?

“Shut it Denbrough you're not my dad.”

“I know I’m not your dad, I'm just trying to protect you!”

“Yea well I don’t need your protection! Just come pick me up and I’ll move out tomorrow, I’ll stop being such a fucking burden on you.” Those words stung. They hurt badly, he knew he didn’t mean them, it was just the alcohol talking. But hearing one of his closest friends call himself a burden. And Bill made him feel that way. God what a shit friend he must be. 

“R-rich we’ll talk about this when you're sober just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.”

“I’m at that club like 7 roads down, or was it 3 I don’t know your smart Billy you’ll find me.”

“Yeah I will just stay there and don’t get hurt, I’ll be there in 20.”

He ended the call and climbed out of bed. Plodding his way down to get his keys from the kitchen he slipped on some shoes before grabbing the keys. 

“Bill?”

His heart started beating faster and his breath hitched, he clutched the keys like a weapon before spinning around to face a confused and tired Mike. 

“Holy shit Mikey, you scared the shit out of me!” He clutched his chest trying to will his heart back to a normal pace. Also why was Mikey up? Only he was me- never mind scratch that, only he and Richie were meant to be up. “Did I wake you?”

“Sorry and no you didn’t I- I couldn’t sleep.” Guess he and Rich weren’t the only ones having bad nights, maybe they all had bad nights in one night. He’d have to ask Ben and Bev. “Uh where are you going?” He asked noticing the keys still clenched in the other man's fist. 

“Oh Richie decided to sneak out and get drunk so I have to pick him up.”

“Oh… could I come?”

“What why?”

“It’s not like I have anything better to do, all I was doing was staring at the ceiling.”

“Uh yeah sure you can come,” his heart started beating faster and his face got warmer but he pushed those feelings aside, he got them enough around Mike to just be used to it. 

Mike nodded before they both headed towards the car. The ride was silent as Mike rested his head against the car window occasionally looking over to Bill who looked like he was about to pass out because of exhaustion and stress.

“I’ll drive back,” Mike whispered, Bill just nodded as he searched the streets for the club that Richie was at. That was their only interaction but neither cared. The familiar warmth that encompassed Bill when he was around Mike was enough. 

They pulled up outside a dingy looking bar which had Richie standing outside yelling at someone that neither Bill nor Mike knew. 

“No fuck you! That bullshit was misogynistic as shit and when I get back I’ll show you that I’m actually funny! Hey look I have friends here that can back me up! Bill come here do you think I’m funny?”

“Rich this really isn’t the time, come on let’s go home and you can sleep.” He grabbed Richies arm with the intent of dragging him to the car but the arm left his grip almost immediately. 

“No we aren’t I need to prove this mother fucker,” he pointed a finger at the guy who had been watching the whole ordeal with a drunken amused smile, “wrong and show him I’m actually funny.”

“Richie just get in the car,” Mike’s voice rang out behind them, it startled Bill a bit, in his sleepy stressed state he hadn’t realised he’d gotten out of the car. 

“What’s he doing here? I thought you said you were coming alone?”

“1) I didn’t and 2) he was up so he came ok? So just get in the car so we can go home.”

“No I’m n-“ his sentence was cut short by Mike grabbing his arm and dragging him to the back seat. Bill muttered a sorry to the stranger before jumping into the passenger side. He leaned his head against the window and occasionally looked over at Mike but instead of it being silent it was rather loud as Richie drunkenly complained about the dude at the bar. 

“Ok Richie go get a drink of water then sleep,” Mike said as they entered the house. Richie obliged and as soon as the footsteps died down Bill collapsed onto the couch. All his brain could think about was the conversation he and Richie had had over the phone. Did Richie really think like that? He didn’t realise he was crying until Mike asked him:

“What’s wrong?” He plopped down beside him on the couch. 

“I-I just want to protect y-you guys but I’m scared I’m s-s-suf-suf-s- Fuck!” He took a deep breathe before continuing, “I’m scared I’m suffocating you g-guys.”

“You aren’t.”

“Richie seems t-to think s-so.”

The tears streamed down his face faster as Mike pulled him into a hug. He clutched the other man's top as he sobbed. Despite the crying he felt warm and cared for and loved in Mike’s embrace. He felt lik-

Holy shit he was in love with Mike Hanlon.

Before he could do anything about this new realisation a voice interrupted his crying session. 

“Oh wow look at you crying.”

“Rich,” Mike warned, pulling away from the embrace. 

“No Mike, why does Bill get to cry? What’s he been through?”

“You very well know what he’s been through.”

“Yea well honestly it’s pathetic just standing here crying.”

“Like you can talk, all you do is go get drunk!”

“Guys,” Bill said, trying to break up the fight, it didn’t work. 

“No Bill! Don’t guys me! You don’t get to lock me in this house cause you are scared! You can’t control me! And honestly you’ve been a shit friend. You are so busy wallowing in your own self pity that you don’t even realise how bad Mike and I are!”

“Ric-“

“No! You say that you are scared of losing the rest of us like you did Stan and Eddie but it’s too late you’ve already lost me! I’m moving out tomorrow and you can’t stop me!”

The silence was thick between the three, Richie was staring at Bill with his hands clenched but with a flicker of regret in his eyes, Mike was staring at Richie looking angry. Bill was standing there shocked. He knew he was a bad friend but hearing the words shocked him. 

You’ve been a shit friend. 

You’ve already lost me. 

The words circulated through his head on constant repeat. His eyes prickled with unshed tears. It took him a minute to realise Mike was talking to him. 

“Are you ok Bill?”

Bill looked frantically between the two, Mike looked concerned for Bill while Richie was still staring at him but most of the anger seemed to have left. 

“I- I’m sorry,” he whispered before turning to his room. As he walked away a conversation started. 

“What the fuck Richie?”

“What?”

“Why would you do that?”

“I- he acts like he’s the only one in pain when he isn’t!” Richies anger seemed to have came back which just made Mike angrier. 

“No he doesn’t!”

“How? How doesn’t he?”

“He constantly looks after us! He cooks, he’s provided a house for us, he cares about us!”

“But I-“

“No Richie I know you’re in pain, god all of us are, but you just said the worst thing you could’ve to your best friend. Your best friend who went through the same shit as you. Your best friend who also lost two of his best friends. Your best friend who has given you shelter and food and comfort! I know you loved Eddie but his death isn’t a reason for you to behave like an asshole.”

“Mik-“

“You say he acts like he’s the only one in pain but I think that’s you. Your pain has blinded you to the fact that we are all hurting the same. You think you’re the only one going through it but you aren’t! If anyone has lost anyone in this situation it’s you Tozier. You’ll be lucky if you haven’t lost Bill and it’ll be a fucking miracle if you haven’t lost me. Your pain has made you act like an absolute asshole. God you are such an asshole Richie!”

The conversation either stopped or the voices became too quiet for Bill to hear. His previously numb body became warm and fuzzy at the thought of Mike defending him. He fell into a restless sleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Bill had barricaded himself in his office not leaving it once. He didn’t have much food in there. But he couldn’t bear to see the boxes of Richie’s things that he was sure would be down there. He had tried to work, honestly he had, but his mind kept on wondering to the night before. He knew that the alcohol influenced him to say those things but they had to be based in truth. 

You’ve been a shit friend. 

Kept replaying in his head. It was the truth he had been. He should’ve looked after them more or maybe he should’ve never made them take that stupid oath. Then Stan and Eddie would be alive and well. And they might’ve forgotten still but at least they’d be alive. 

But that wasn’t the only thing keeping him from his work. He also realised he was in love. At the worst time possible. Sure Mike had defended him last night but that was probably the lack of sleep speaking and since it was daytime again he’d surely realise Rich had been right and would move out too. So that left Bill in a big lonely house with nothing else to do but think. So that’s what he did. 

Ya know looking back he should’ve realised he was in love with Mike a lot earlier. The blushing, the warm feeling, the stuttering, it always happened around Mike. And it wasn’t like it was a surprise he was Bi, he had accepted that as a part of himself when he was a teenager when he kept catching himself looking at boys for just a bit too long. He had even dated Stan briefly. But this feeling was different, it’s not like he didn’t love Stan, he did, but it felt stronger. He also realised that his feelings had been there a lot longer than previously thought, looking back to when he was a kid he obviously had feelings for him then, although it had only been a small crush. The lingering looks between the two, the overwhelming need to hug the other, him being the only loser to head out to Mike's farm everyday after school, how he always offered to share his bike with the other boy. How had he not noticed it before? But the biggest indicator from his childhood, that he was shocked he missed, was this:

It had been a warm summer day and the Losers had been at the quarry, everyone was in the water except for Bill who was watching Richie and Eddie bicker back and forth with an amused smile when Mike sat down beside him. 

“I bet you 10 bucks that they will realise they like each other by the end of the summer.”

“I-I don’t think I c-can take that b-bet Mikey.”

“Why not? Scared you’ll lose?” Mike teased. 

Bill let out a short laugh before answering, “N-no I can't t-take it because you w-would just lose m-money and I’m to n-nice to do that to y-you.”

“What makes you think that Billy?”

“I’ve known th-those two since I-I was four and they are the m-most oblivious morons I know. I’ll g-give them ten y-years.” He turned to look over at Richie and Eddie to find the former pinching the latters cheek and calling him cute, “O-or five.”

Mike looked over and laughed at Eddie half heartedly slapping away Richie’s hands as his cheeks turned bright red. But then the mood changed, Mike stopped laughing and looked down cast, he turned away from the people laughing and looked at the ground. It was like a cloud had covered the sun of happiness and Bill actually checked if the sun was still out because he swore it was actually darker then a few moments ago. 

“Mikey?”

“Do you think we’ll still be friends in the future? Or do you think we’ll move on and forget?” Mike asked in a sad and dejected voice. Bill reached out and covered Mike’s hand with his before answering. 

“I could never forget you Mikey.”

Mike’s gaze went from the ground to Bill’s eyes and instantly they were both in a trance. They got lost in each other’s eyes as the noise around them became nonexistent and it was only them. Their faces inched closer together and their eyes occasionally flickered to the others lips. They were less than an inch away from each other and Bill could feel Mike’s breath on his lips when the trance was broken. 

“Hey would either of you like to come with me to get ice cream?” Stan asked. They instantly sprang apart, red faced and breathing hard. 

“Uh I’ll go,” Mike said looking over to Bill, he in turn gave a small nod unsure if that’s what Mike wanted but the other boy seemed satisfied. 

Bill was sure, looking back at it, that if Stan hadn’t interrupted them they would have kissed. The image of him and Mike kissing made his cheeks go red. 

A knock sounded at the door to his office snapping him out of his thoughts. He stayed silent hoping that whoever was there would leave him alone but he had no such luck. 

“William Denbrough unlock this door right now or so help me god I will break it down.” Mike called out. 

He heaved a heavy sigh as he contemplated his options. He could either stay silent and have his door broken down or he could answer and probably get yelled at by Mike and maybe Richie if he hadn’t left yet. 

“What do you want Mikey?” He asked, sounding a lot more pathetic then he wished he did. 

“I want you to open this door.”

“Why so you can yell at me? Yeah, well, join the line.”

“Bill, open the door.”

Bill sighed before hopping up and unlocking the door. Mike was standing there as he expected, looking dejected. Bill bowed his head expecting yelling and tormenting, the kind he had gotten from his dad when Georgie had first gone missing. 

Useless piece of shit. 

How dare you do this to us. 

You fuck up. 

You’re a shit friend. 

You’ve already lost me. 

But instead of yelling Mike wrapped his arms around the other man. Bill tensed up for a second before melting into the hug. He didn’t care if this was some sick joke he just really needed a hug. 

“I’m sorry.” Mike mumbled into the shorter man's hair. 

“What why?”

“For what Richie said last night.”

“Don’t worry I deserved it.”

“No you didn’t,” Mike said, pulling away from the embrace to look the other man in the eyes, “Richie was just black out drunk and behaving like a real asshole. I talked to him this morning and he didn’t remember any of it but he felt awful when I told him what he did. He wanted to apologise straight away but I thought you might need time to leave this room by your own account but you hadn’t left so I came up here.”

“Wait so… Richie isn’t gone?”

“No, no. He’s made dinner, with the help of me by the way he is an awful cook. But anyway he made dinner to say sorry so could you come down and eat it with us?”

“What? He said he was moving out though? And I’ve been an awful friend, god, I should’ve made dinner.”

“No Bill. All Richie said last night was grief and alcohol coming out in words.He didn’t mean it. Could you please come downstairs. For me?”

When Mikey phrased it that way, well how could he say no? And the puppy eyes weren’t helping. 

“Fine I’ll come.” Mike grinned before grabbing the other man's hand, which sent electric like shocks up both their arms, and dragged him to the dining room.

They entered the kitchen to find 3 bowls of chicken Caesar salad (Bill’s favourite) and Richie leaning against the counter scrolling through Instagram on his phone. At the sound of footsteps he looked up and his eyes locked with Bill’s. 

“Heyyy Bill.”

“Hey Richie.”

There was a brief moment of silence before. Richie continued. 

“Look I am so sorry for what I said last night. I can’t remember exactly but Mike filled me in and god I feel awful for saying those things. I know you’ve been through shit and you deserve to cry I was just… overwhelmed by grief and I know it’s no excuse but I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart and I hope you can forgive me.”

Bill smiled a bit before answering, “of course I forgive you, it’s ok. Now let’s eat before it gets cold cause I’m starving.”

It’s ok. 

Was it though? He had said so and in that moment it had almost felt like it was but… it wasn’t. After that day it had felt like a rift between him and Richie had appeared. It felt like at any moment Richie would pack up and leave followed shortly by Mike and leave Bill with a big empty house and his thoughts. What would his thoughts do? Keep him hopeful and calm throughout the rest of his life or drive him to the edge of his limits. The way things had been going on in his head it was looking more and more likely that it would be the second option, it was as if the only things stopping him from doing things he’d regret were Mike and Richie. So he held onto them as tight as possible. He always cooked them food and drove them places. He would check up on them daily and make sure they actually got to sleep, occasionally at the cost of his own rest but it was worth it. Anything to keep his friends close. Mike noticed (of course he did) and began to worry (of course he did). But everytime he tried to bring it up with him Bill would quickly change the subject, too scared that if they found out they’d leave. 

One day he’d bought up the topic of therapy for the two of them, he could see the way the guilt still ate away at them like it did him. He almost regretted it at first, the looks on their faces scared him, he thought they’d leave or call him dumb for think they needed it. But instead they shared a look that Bill couldn’t decipher, Mike shrugged and Richie cocked his head in Bill’s direction. They both turned back to him, not with angry looks but cautious but worried looks, it unnerved him. 

“I’ll do it,” Mikey said, “how bout you Rich?” 

“Sure,” the other replied, cocking his head in Bill’s direction again. 

“What about you Bill?” Mike asked, turning to him, “would you do it?”

Bill froze for a second, that wasn’t the response he expected but he rolled with it, “what are you talking about Mikey? I’m fine.” The smile he put on felt tight and unnatural, he hoped it didn’t look as fake as it felt. He couldn’t remember the last time he truly smiled. The other two shared a look that Bill could easily decipher this time, they didn’t believe him one bit, but before either of them could even open their mouths to ask more Bill was already walking out of the room. 

“I’ll sort out your appointments,” he called over his shoulder hoping his voice didn’t show how he felt. 

The nightmares were bad too, nightly he’d have visions of the people he cared about being killed by that bloody clown. On good nights he’d lie awake for hours till his body dragged him into a restless, short lived, unconsciousness. On bad nights he’d wake the whole house with his screaming. On nights like those Richie and Mikey would race to his bedroom to calm him down, it didn’t matter what time of the night or early morning it’d be, they’d be there. It made him feel extremely guilty, he felt like- no he believed -that his friends were too good for him. And no matter how many times he helped them through nightmares, or made them food or anything, the feeling, the belief, never faded. So he tried to keep his screams in, calm the storm that raged within him day and night. Sometimes it’d work, others he wasn’t so lucky and the guilt would squash him for days after. 

He saw the concerned looks that the other two sent him when they didn’t think he was looking. And the week that Ben and Bev came to stay he heard concerned whispers and saw worried looks, day in and day out. 

And he hadn’t forgotten about how he felt about Mike. But the looks and the whispers drove him away from pursuing it and instead he used the drive for more from Mikey to hide his feelings and pretend they weren’t there. He couldn’t deal with heartbreak the way he was. 

So he learnt to hide it better, so he wouldn’t concern his friends. Learnt to smile like he used to, learnt to hide the thoughts, learnt to speak and act how he used to. When he was happy. He looked back at his childhood to see how he behaved when he was happy and copied that. Everytime he felt like he couldn’t hide it anymore he’d remember what Richie said that night and he’d hide it better. 

Eventually the concerned stares lessened and his friends behaved normally around him. It felt good to not be putting stress on his friends. But god did he feel so lonely. It felt like someone else was talking to his friend while he watched, trapped inside his own mind. But he couldn’t ruin all the progress he’d made. So he kept watching while the stranger everyone thought was him took over. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With all these emotions clawing at his chest, willing to get out, to be seen. And someone who definitely wasn’t him, but was close enough to happy him, at the wheel. The thoughts that pushed at his lips, they wanted to be heard. But Bill couldn’t let that, in just over a month he had closed his real self off and replaced it with a replica that he sometimes believed to be himself. He had become too attached to the lie that he was ok and that he didn’t need help that he couldn’t remember how to tell people he needed help. He felt like a prisoner in his own mind, a prison that he made to fix a problem that wasn’t really there but was just his mind scaring him. The prison felt inescapable. It felt too big and too small and like it went on forever and had no end but was like the light to freedom from his mind was just out of reach at all times. Sometimes he’d see the light, he’d truly see it, but it would disappear as quickly as a change of subject. And maybe that’s what it was but he was too caught in his own mind prison to pay attention to the world around him. 

With all this going on in one mind he was bound to break soon.  
And he did. 

It was two months after he had first suggested therapy to Rich and Mike. Two months after he started feeding into the lie that he was fine. Two months after he started to build his own inescapable prison.

Mike and Richie had taken well to therapy. Their laugh lines became prominent again and the bags under their eyes shrunk and they looked like themselves again. 

Richie had suggested watching a movie (of his choosing) for the success of therapy. Mike and Bill agreed they should celebrate and it’s not like they had anything else in mind. 

As soon as the movie started Bill has fallen into an odd trance-like state where he could see the screen but couldn’t hear a word that was said. It was like the stranger that had taken over him had blocked his hearing. 

He continued to stare at the screen, his entire body numb to any feeling apart from the burning on his right side where Mike was pushed against him. 

Only one line broke through his numbed state. 

‘No matter what ya mind tells ya, you are never alone. People around you care.’

It was like the movie spoke right to him. It was like it knew his situation and was the weird guardian angel that had been sent to help. 

At that moment he finally grabbed the light from inside his prison. At that moment the imposter left, his job done. At that moment the dams broke. 

At that moment he broke. 

At first the tears started slow. Like small creeks carving their way through unmarked territory. But they began to flow heavier. Bill covered his mouth with his hand to block out the sobs that were sure to come but Mike noticed the movement. 

“Hey w- Bill are you ok?” Mike’s distressed tone alerted Richie that something was up and he turned to look. 

“Woah Bill are you good?”

He refused to meet any of their eyes instead staring at the movie with his mouth still covered trying to suppress the sobs that were rising up his throat. 

Another line broke through. 

‘How do you know your mind is not telling the truth?’

‘If you truly love them, and they say it back, then you have to trust them and yourself, that they’ll love you no matter what.’

He couldn’t stop the tears. The sobs broke through the defence of his hand and he fell into the arms of Mike. As soon as he felt safe he let every feeling he had been suppressing since the first time they fought It out. He screamed and he cried and he howled until his throat felt raw. He could vaguely hear Richie turn off the movie and join the embrace as Mike tried to ask him what was wrong. His nails dig into his hand so hard that they began to bleed and he cried so loud he felt his friends flinch. After what felt like hours of crying his whimpering was quiet enough that Mike and Richie could ask questions. So that’s what they did. 

“Bill… what was that,” Mike asked, as quietly and carefully as possible. 

He was relatively good at hiding his emotions. He had always been able to brush off the concern stating that he was just tired. He couldn’t just walk out like he’d done when Mikey and Richie had first asked him about therapy. He couldn’t just claim it was nothing. Because that was definitely something. And sure he felt better now but he can’t just get his feelings to build up for another 28 years before going all out again.

He could brush off his friends' concerns easily. But not this time. 

He slowly unclenched his fists but was met with red. 

“Uh,” his voice was rough and his throat was sore. 

“You can explain in a minute but first I’ll get the first aid kit,” Richie said, leaving no room for argument before racing to find the kit. As he left Mike pulled Bill back into him and stroked his hair soothingly. Bill couldn’t tell who it was meant to comfort. 

As Richie began working on his hands Bill spoke. He told them about how he had felt trapped in his own mind and how it felt like he had been watching as a stranger talked for the past few months. He told them about the guilt from that night Richie had yelled at him that still lingered in the back of his mind. He told them of the guilt he felt over Eddies, Stans and Georgie’s death, how he felt like he should’ve just worked that little bit harder to have saved them. Or how he felt about the oath. About the nightmares, the looks that he knew he got, the feeling of helplessness as he slowly lost control of his own mind. Of how he was too scared to backtrack on his progress for fear that they’d leave him. Of the prison and how it always felt like the light was just out of reach but was never quite there. Of how he kept them close for fear that without them his mind will drive him to do something he regrets. Of everything. 

And they listened, they didn’t ask questions or interrupt. They just listened and took it in. They looked guilty at the end. Like someone had just told them someone they cared about had a mental crisis in front of them and they didn’t notice. He must’ve talked for hours because by the end his throat was sore and felt as if he had just swallowed sand paper. 

“Bill…” Mike looked sad, extremely sad. 

“You need to go to therapy dude,” Richie finished, looking slightly stunned. 

Bill nodded, he knew he did. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so he went. 

Slowly he became himself again, the prison wasn’t there and a stranger didn’t control him. He talked to his friends and therapist about everything, he didn’t, couldn’t, hold it in anymore. 

He let himself scream after nightmares and didn’t let guilt squash him like it used too. He started to believe he did deserve his friends and that they needed him. 

He laughed and smiled again. The concerned looks and worried whispers became non-existent as his friend’s realised that he’d go to them. 

On bad days when all he wanted to do was hide in his room he’d talk to his friends. On the days where he could feel the guilt crushing him he’d write, or talk, or move. Anything to stop him from trapping himself in his own mind. When he became quiet and distant his friends would ask him how he was. Desperate to not let him go again. 

He was finally ok. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a week after Richie had moved out and Bill and Mike had just visited him. They took a walk down to the beach and were sitting with their feet in the water. Bill could feel the warmth radiating off of Mike and he felt content and happy. 

He was happy that his friends were happy and ok. Well as happy and ok as they could be with the things they had gone through. Ben and Bev were engaged and planning a wedding. Richie had jumped back into his career with more passion (and his own work). Bill was back on track with his writing and Mike had found a part time job at the local library. They had all even reached out to Patty and had become friends. 

Everyone was, truely, ok. 

But one lingering thought kept Bill from falling into endless content. 

He still loved Mike. 

Even though it had been months since he realised this the feeling never changed not one bit. Not even after everything he’d been through. If anything it had gotten stronger. 

And the warmth radiating from the other man and the proximity just made the thought harder to ignore. 

After a few minutes of being lost in their own thoughts Mike broke the silence. 

“Do you remember that day when we were 16, down at the quarry?”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific Mikey, there were a lot of those.” Bill turned to look at his friend to find him already looking back with an oddly serious look. 

“No, the one where you told me you’d never forget me?”

“Oh,” he did remember that day, the day they almost kissed. But by the way Mike was talking about it, so serious, it seemed like he wasn’t talking about that bit. He turned to look back at the ocean, trying to hide his reddening cheeks. “Yeah I do. Why Mikey?”

“You told me you could never forget me. That was the first and only time any of you ever did cause we didn’t think we could forget. But you did forget.”

His gaze snapped back to his friend in an instant to find him looking over the ocean looking sad. The look did not suit Mike, Bill decided. 

Covering Mike’s hand, similar to the way he did it all those years ago, he said: “well I’m here now aren’t I? I remembered you, I always will.” The words were quiet, only meant for Mike, but were confident and strong. 

Mike looked over and they were immediately lost in a trance. Similar to the one that had happened years earlier it was like everything outside of their little bubble was gone. Except this time they had no friends around them to snap them out of it. Not that they were complaining. They edged closer, gazes occasionally flicking to the others lips before they met. 

The kiss was short and sweet but left Bill breathless and he felt like every nerve was buzzing. They pulled back and Mike left out a little laugh at the other man's frazzled state. 

“Finally,” Mike whispered. 

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been waiting 24 years for that kiss.”

The next kiss was passionate and long as the sun set over them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was ok.

**Author's Note:**

> For the food Richie made I just wrote down the first thing that came to mind so if there is canon evidence of Bill having a favourite food then.. oops. 
> 
> Also the movie is completely made up and I just came up with random dialogue but for some reason I read it in a cowboy type accent so idk. 
> 
> But that’s all thanks for reading.


End file.
